A Vision in Pigtails

Some stories are so personal that they are meant to be treasured in the heart of the individual alone like a special secret meant only for the ears of the listener.  Others are meant to be shouted from the rooftops.  Their message is for all ears; to bless, encourage, and challenge.  The more I ponder Chloe's adoption story, the more I feel it needs to be shared.  I don't know how God intends to use it, but I just know He is prompting me to sit down and write it.  Perhaps by her story, others will begin to see infertility and adoption in a different light.  Perhaps the struggle and heartache of infertility can be transformed.  The heart that was so ready to welcome new life into the world can learn to welcome a child in desperate need of that heart full of love.  Maybe adoption can become more than a "plan B" and something that only happens out of necessity.  I know those may be big dreams, but if even one person is encouraged and challenged, I will consider sharing her story a success.

Long before David and I started our second adoption, God put an image in my mind of our child.  For some reason, although I couldn't explain why, I knew she was our child.  She was the sweetest toddler I had ever seen.  She had pitch black pigtails and a smile that could melt the coldest heart.  After we adopted our first son, I put the vision in the back of my mind and didn't give it much more thought.  Until...we had just been approved for our second adoption.  We told ourselves that we had better start the process because we may have a long wait before being placed with another infant.  Surely we couldn't get lucky a second time and be placed right away.  Maybe we should try to lottery, because within a week of being approved, I received a text message from our case worker.  My heart leapt as she told me to check my e-mail.  The e-mail was the bio of a young infant in need of a forever family.  A girl.  A Chinese girl!  Could this be the vision God had given me?  Before I could get carried away in my joy, I read some information that made my heart drop.  There was something special about this baby.  She came with a diagnosis.  One that we had never heard of; Prader Willi.    It was a bittersweet moment. The possibility of being matched with a precious baby was tempered with the unknown.  We had very little time to educate ourselves on the diagnosis, due to the birth mother's situation.  So, we did what anyone would do when they need information fast, we google'd it.  I think God, in His providence, knew what we needed in order to the make the decision He wanted us to make.  One of the first things I saw was that, as a genetic disorder, Prader-Willi was said to have common traits to the genetic disorder I was diagnosed with!  (We later came to find out that, apart from a few common symptoms, the two diagnoses are actually very different) This revelation gave me an immediate link to this darling baby that I hadn't even laid eyes on yet.  After some fervent prayer and discussion, we sent our reply to the caseworker.  Yes, we would absolutely be open to adopting this little Chinese girl.

Our decision was actually pretty easy to make.  In the beginning discussions about adoption, David and I had agreed that we would be open to any child that God brought into our lives.  We didn't feel the freedom to pick and choose which child we would welcome into our hearts.  We trusted that God would guide the process.  But don't put us up on some high spiritual pedestal just yet.  It was when we agreed to adopt our precious daughter that the struggle began.  You see, although we said we were open to whatever God brought us, David and I had both already created an image in our mind of what we thought that would look like.  And to be completely honest, a child with special needs wasn't in that image.  My image looked something like those beautiful multicultural families you see on Pinterest.  Each member with perfect skin and white, gleaming smiles.  But isn't that like God; to shatter our preconceived ideas and images with something even better, if we'll let Him? As it became more of a reality that we would be adopting this special baby, and as we learned more about her diagnosis and what that would involve, should we become her parents, we had to seek God desperately and have pointed discussions with each other about the drastic change our lives would be taking.  We grieved and said good bye to those images we had created.  We embraced the fear of the unknown.  An amazing thing happened when we went "all in" and accepted that this was what God was calling us to do. He opened the flood gates of Heaven and we felt an amazing peace and comfort even though our world was about the be turned upside down.

There is no doubt in my mind that God was orchestrating this whole story long before Chloe was  even conceived.  The fact that she was carried to term was, I believe, a miracle.  Her birth mother had genetic testing done while she was pregnant and the results came back normal.  Nothing was detected.  But God knew.  And He was preparing a plan to place Chloe in just the right place at just the right time.  Because Chloe was the third child in her family, they came to the United States. She was born near a hospital in California that specializes in Prader-Willi and so, when she presented with some complications after birth, she was able to be diagnosed within a week of being born.  Then, when her birth family decided that the most loving thing to do would be to find her a family that could care for her in America, she was given the information of our adoption agency by a friend after we had just been approved and placed on the waiting list.  She was given our families bio because of our connection with and love for the Chinese people.  David has three sisters from China and we spent the first six months of our married life living and traveling in China.  We had given up on the dream of adopting from China but all of sudden, God was fulfilling this dream in a way we had never imagined!  By the end of our second conversation with Chloe's biological mother, she was asking how soon we could get to California.  Hearing the desperation in the voice of Chloe's birth mother quickened our desire to carry out the adoption.  I still can't wrap my brain around having to place my newborn daughter for adoption in a foreign country.  I have no idea the measure of anxiety, fear, and helplessness that she was feeling.  Thankfully, God provided once again to ease her anxiety and weave peace and even joy into the story.  David's sister graciously accepted our plea to travel with me to California.  She was such a blessing on both fronts. She minimized the language barrier significantly for Chloe's birth mom and provided a level of communication with this dear woman that I never could have achieved on my own.  We decided to stay with Chloe's birth mother, her sister, and the nanny they had hired to help care for Chloe during most of our stay in California.  Little did we know how significant this would be in forging the relationship between us before we had to part ways.  By the time the paperwork had been completed, we had spent a week and a half together and it was obvious that Chloe's birth mother had made peace with her decision of entrusting her daughter to us.  She even told us through the help of a translator that she felt that she had given birth to this precious life just for us. This is came from the lips of a woman who has not claimed faith in God.  But she felt in her soul that there was something special going on.  Not just for baby Chloe, but for everyone involved.  This story was touching and changing lives.  Even though Chloe's birth mother did not claim to know God, when she asked us why we would want to adopt and love her daughter with special needs, we were given the open door to share the love of Christ and how it had compelled us to open our hearts to adoption.  While she did not miraculously accept Christ on the spot, we continue to pray that through our continued interaction with her, we can prove that we meant what we said and that she will see the love of Christ through us and one day come to understand and accept it for herself.

When we agreed to adoption, we understood that it was a ministry.  We have come to learn even more fully what this means as we have adopted.  Adoption involves more than just the adoptive parents and the child they adopt.  It includes birth families, extended families (of both birth and adoptive families), adoption agencies, church families, and the list goes on and on.  Having this mindset has helped us in our journey.  It encourages us to think beyond ourselves and embrace the bigger picture of how God is working in and through us.  It becomes less about what we want and more about what God wants.  It becomes less about our needs and more about meeting the needs of those God places in our lives.  The funny thing is, adopting this mindset also ultimately leads to deep fulfillment in our own hearts.  I am not saying that there isn't adjustment, struggle, and hard times.  But knowing that these struggles are part of God's grand scheme gives me a solid rock to stand on and the motivation to keep going when I feel like giving up.  God has been gracious to give us glimpses of how he is working redemption into both of our adoption stories.  David and I have both been in awe at times when we consider that God has included us in this work and allowed us the privilege to take part with Him.

God was definitely in the details of Chloe's story.  The adoption paperwork is often a nuisance and something to be endured throughout the process.  When we were waiting to be cleared to bring Chloe home (the week of Thanksgiving nonetheless!) we were told that it would be a miracle if the paperwork were completed by the first week of December.  God must have chuckled when the caseworker used that word and took it as a challenge because the paperwork was done by the first week of December.  We were able to bring our baby home sooner than expected to the excitement of friends and family.  Even the small things seemed to be on God's radar.  My mom was able to fly out and stay with me the remaining few days in California as David and my sister in law had to return home.  As we prepared for the flight home we were able to secure seats together and the flight was so empty that we even had an extra seat to lay Chloe on when she needed to stretch!  After we returned home, God continued to show up.  Our caseworker put us in touch with some valuable resources that helped us learn more about Chloe's diagnosis.  Including an agency in our area that just "happened" to be one of the leading clinics for treating Prader-Willi.  We began to feel empowered and equipped to provide the necessary care for our precious gift.  The financial piece to adoption may seem like a huge barrier to adoption, but let me assure you that if God calls you to adopt, He WILL provide.  In every area.  Spiritual, Emotional, and Financial!  Because Chloe's adoption happened so quickly, we had not really begun to get our finances in order.  However, God met that need through many various avenues and Chloe's adoption was fully funded very soon after bringing her home.

There are many things about Chloe's story that I haven't shared.  But hopefully with the little details I did share, you are able to see the beauty of how God worked and provided.  When you're willing to trust God and follow Him, miracles happen.  faith is built.  and it's never boring!

In my wildest dreams

My heart is full as I sit down to share what God has been doing in our lives lately. Thinking back to when we first applied to adopt, I'm not sure I knew what to expect. Part of the way I handled that uncertainty was then to limit my expectations. I felt that I could escape disappointment if I had no pre-conceived idea of how the process was going to unfold. While my faith in God is largely what has given me such true trust and peace throughout the journey so far I think another factor was this choice I made to avoid having a specific outcome in mind. I suppose it can be linked to my faith because I chose to give God the outcome. I don't mean to make it sound simple. It has been a conscious struggle to keep from placing my own hopes and desires on God and demanding that He fulfill them.

In order to prepare us for the road ahead so many gracious people lovingly offered advice and support. We also heard from those who had already gone through the experience as they shared what to expect. While we cherish this encouragement, and will continue to reach out to those who are willing to open their hearts to us, I'm beginning to realize how unique adoption is. God's time table and plan is different for everyone. I'm not talking about
His will. There are certain things that He asks of all His children.  I'm referring to how our lives play out day to day and the specific call He gives us as families and individuals. Since God's call on every family is unique, I think it would be safe to assume that each couple who are adopting are going to have an experience that is specific to them based on how the Lord is working in their life. That doesn't mean that we can't benefit from each other's story. It just leads me to caution and to be cautious myself of making other people's experiences the standard by which I judge my own. Again, the idea of watching what my expectations are.

To share a little bit about our own time table, God has humbled me as I've seen Him put things into place.  We are now fully approved and on the waiting list for placement. Which is a big blessing because even before our home study was official, we were connected with some possible matches!  Nothing is official yet, but we are sensing that God is moving and doing something wonderful! For example, one of the big concerns for us was child care. If the placement were to happen soon, we would have had to scramble to work something out due to our work schedules. Recently, however God has provided a way that we would be able to both care for the child without having to place them in daycare. Another blessing is that David's work is very supportive of adoption and will give him some time off when the time comes and we are placed with a baby.  Considering what my expectations may have been, I'm glad that God didn't meet them! Because I see now that His plans are much better than anything I could have dreamed up. 1Corinthians 2:9 "...No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him."

In the waiting

There has been quite a bit happening on the home front. Which is why it has been so long since I've written.  David and I have finished our adoption home study which means that we are basically approved and on the waiting list to be placed with an infant. As we get closer to being placed with our baby I find myself getting really excited. Right now at least I'm not nervous or second guessing our decision at all.  It feels very natural actually.  Like our family is supposed to be started this way.  It seems God had this all planned from the start for us.
Flashback several years before David and I met...David's family is very familiar with adoption.  Out of his six siblings,  three of them are adopted. David was so impacted by his sister's adoption, he determined that it was going to be a part of his own future family.  Meanwhile, as I was growing older and of "child bearing" age, I was struggling to cope with the idea that I would most likely never have my own children due to a chromosome disorder I was diagnosed with at the age of ten. In the midst of dealing with that grief, I was also trying to determine how and when I would discuss this fact in dating, knowing that infertility could be a deal breaker with whoever I was dating. As I thought about how I wanted to start my family if God should bless me with a husband, adoption seemed the natural option. Even though I was not familiar with adoption from a personal standpoint, I felt it was a beautiful way to provide love and family for a child who might not otherwise have it. Besides, isn't it a picture of what God did for us in adopting us into His family?
That is where David and my stories intersect. As we dated, it became clear that it was getting serious and I knew "the conversation" needed to happen. Knowing David's history with adoption certainly helped ease some of the anxiety in bringing the subject up but I still didn't know how he would respond to having the option of having biological children taken off the table, barring divine intervention. I don't remember his response word for word but I do remember how I felt after the conversation. I felt so reassured and at peace. I knew the Lord really had been the one to bring us together.
So, to bring the story full circle, we are now in the waiting period of the adoption. There is a relief in this part because all the paperwork is done and there is really nothing on our part that needs to be done. But that's also the stressful part of it too. Because there is nothing more for us to do, it can feel a little bit like our hands are tied. Even my easy going nature is stretched. I guess that's when having the house projects to focus on are a good distraction. It will hopefully keep me from pestering my poor adoption caseworker every week for updates! :)
Stay tuned. I hope to be more faithful in writing and keeping the posts coming.

Fear Not...

Fear, anxiety, stress.  These are not very positive emotions, but each stage of life, however exciting, has the ability to bring these about.  I found myself  struggling with some of these feelings as we submitted our formal application for adoption.  As the process became more "real," so did all those doubts and concerns.  Thoughts like "you're not ready, your life will change forever, what if you get a difficult child..." raced through my mind.  Then all the logistics of adopting began to place doubt about the practicality of adopting a child at this stage of our life.  "Can we afford a child?  What about my job?  How will we finish the house in time?"  The anxiety could have become crippling.  But a thought stopped all others in their tracks..."If not now, when?"  Would there ever be a perfect time to adopt?  Quite frankly, we would be waiting until eternity if we chose to wait for just the right time.

We live in such a risk adverse society, and I allowed myself to get caught up in that mindset.  While I see the wisdom of planning, I think we can allow our fears to get so big that they block out possible blessings in life that God may have for us, if we trust Him.  That really is the antidote to fear.  Trust.  One little word, yet it can make all the difference.  The object of our trust matters as well.  Because when we try to put our trust in the world in all its instability, it comes up short.  However, when we put our trust in the God of the Bible, He is always faithful.  It is God who gives us, in the place of fear, a spirit of power, love, and self control (2 Timothy 1:7).  We can have peace in the midst of chaos and the unknown.  Once I accepted this truth, I was freed to get excited about filling out the application and dream about the child that God may bring into our life; in full faith that no matter the future holds, He will give me the strength to handle it.

In fact, as I was writing, I got notice that our application was accepted and that we will soon be getting more paperwork to continue on with the process.  From here, there is going to be much more to do.  But if I can hold onto trust rather than fear, the process will be a much more joyous one.

Just two pairs of crocs...

I almost let the symbolism pass me by as I walked past them last night on my way down the stairs.  Two pairs of crocs, dusty and well-used.  One belonging to me and the other belonging to my husband.  We use them while we're working on the bedroom that we're praying will one day hold our child.  As I gave it more thought, the meaning of it struck me.  How much harder would it be to work and prepare a room all by myself?  Then I broadened the metaphor.  How much harder would life be if I had to go through it alone?  Thankfully, God did not intend us to walk through life alone.  We need a community of friends and family to support us through the ups and downs of life.  Even when I am physically alone, God promises that He is with me.  Hebrews 13:5 reminds me of this declaration.  Somehow, it is easier to go through a difficulty if we know we are not going through it alone.  That has held true in my life.  In the process of waiting for a child and preparing our house, there have been so many who have come alongside David and I to help and encourage.  It has made the process bearable (even exciting) at times! 

David and I have now officially started the adoption process with an agency.  We realized that if we waited for a perfect time, it would never come.  God has given us peace.  A peace I don't think would be there if we were alone.  

While they may look like just worn pairs of shoes, I will see them and always be grateful that there are two.

Comfort Food

Before I started this blog, I had some doubts as to whether it was a good thing to do.  It felt a little egocentric to be honest.  Then, the words of one of my camp counselors came to mind.  Some of her feedback to me was that she felt I had a lot to share with others and that, by holding back I was not allowing God to work through me.  I guess that's part of what God means in 2nd Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  If I don't share how God comforts me with others who might need it, I steal others of the opportunity to experience that same peace.  Now that sounds selfish, doesn't it?  So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that   through sharing, I hope this blog becomes a source of support and encouragement for anyone who is struggling.

So, how has God comforted you through difficult times?  I bet if you look back, you'll see the various ways He brought you through the pain.  For me, there have been so many times that God has used others to speak  peace into my heart.  I've also experienced times when I read a passage of Scripture that speaks directly to me and acts like aloe on my burning heart.  While God doesn't always take the situation away, He provides encouragement to keep going.  I know as David and I begin the process of adoption (Lord willing, in the fall), the road won't be easy.  However, I don't doubt that the journey will be worth it.  We are currently in the process of remodeling our home.  Largely in order to prepare our home for children.  Although the process is frustrating at times, it was pointed out that remodeling could be looked at as the "pregnancy and labor" period as we work to welcome a new addition.  While it will take longer than nine months, this perspective has given me new excitement (and comfort!) through the stress of what feels like constant dirt and chaos.  If I focus on the end goal rather than the inconvenience it takes to get there, I notice I am much more willing to go through it.  That was my recent comfort, a change in perspective.  May God bring you peace as He promises in His word.

Three's (welcomed) company...

The Bible says to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.  I find it hard to do these days as the first thing I'm met with on Facebook is pictures of smiling mothers holding their newborns and then listen to numerous announcements (4 so far this summer) as friends share their news of being pregnant.  Sure, I can put on a grin and congratulate the happy couple, but deep down inside I feel the ache of longing to hold my own precious child.
Lately, the ache has been more profound.  I have much to be thankful for, I know.  A home, a supportive family, a loving, hard-working husband, a beautiful dog named Lacie, the list goes on and on.  Why is it that, despite all our blessings, we choose to focus on the one thing we think is missing.  In our discontent, it's hard to realize that we give everything we do have the label of "not enough" and disqualify ourselves from truly enjoying them.  However natural my desire to be a mother may be, perhaps there are other things God has called me to do for the time being.
My prayer today is that I will be able to view God's blessings in my life for what they truly are and not push them aside to become bitter over what I do not have.